On Making Mistakes And How A Dream Spoke To Me

Dear Adrian,

There’s something you should know from the start. In life we sometimes make what is called mistakes. I’ve made plenty of them, everyone has,  and chances are I’m going to make a few more before my time is up. And though you may not want to, the truth is as you go through life you’re going make blunders here and there. Making them won’t be fun but it’s a natural and needful part of learning and growing in life. I don’t believe that mistakes should be made on purpose, but if draws are made outside the lines that doesn’t necessarily mean the picture is ruined.

It’s been a year and a three weeks since the day I found out I was pregnant with you. It was a little unorthodox the way I ended up pregnant. A big mistake in many people’s eyes.  And it didn’t make things look better when my boyfriend left me. I’ve mentioned before how then I was attending a good Christian university, and then when I became pregnant it seemed to others that I was throwing everything I ever wanted (or thought I wanted) and worked hard for out the window.

But I hadn’t thrown everything out the window. I simply made a mistake that would slow things down for a bit before I could catch up to speed again. Just to clarify, YOU are (and never will be) NOT the mistake. I wouldn’t trade you for anything, anyone, any dream, or any reality. The mistake was the type situation I allowed myself to be in. But if I could only get you out of that mistake, then I would commit it again and again. I love you, and don’t you ever forget that.

Back to the lesson. So yeah, I hadn’t thrown out the window my chance at getting an education, a good career, living my dreams and being happy. But to some, if you don’t do things in a certain order, in a certain way, then it’s nearly impossible to be successful in this life. You see, I have big goals for my life. I want to be a pediatric doctor and graduate with a degree in journalism as well. Then I have a million other little goals and dreams (take a look at my Bucket List to get an idea). I’m going to be in school for at least the next 11 years. And a mother. And working. And who knows, possibly married. And all that while trying to live out my dream.

Sure, it would’ve been a little easier if I hadn’t been involved with anyone or had any kids. But now that I have you, I know my life wouldn’t have been as fulfilling. I’ve had many people shake their heads at me and say in such a pitiful and pathetic way, “Ah, you were in school. It’s going to be so hard now. Adrian deserves better than living off the income of someone who earns minimum wage.” Or, “You have nice dreams. But you should be realistic. Go for something easy, like nursing.” Even worse, I’ve had one person tell me, “I thought you were better than that.”

The sad thing is that these very words come from the people who you think would be the most supportive, believing and forgiving. And though one is always bigger than what people say of you, it hurts when those things are said and you kind of want those closest to you to be your biggest fans.

One thing I’ve learned is that sometimes your biggest motivator is proving your critics wrong. There may be times when you can’t deny what people might say of you, but your mistakes don’t define the person you are. This truth was confirmed to me several nights ago in a dream. So you know, I don’t believe in night dreams or visions per se. A lot of times people will say God or some other supernatural being spoke to them in a dream and it all ends up being bogus. But I do believe that there are times when dreams can be inspirational, no matter how they were “given” to you.

In my dream I was sad. Sad because no matter how hard I tried to get what I really wanted in life I couldn’t. I still wanted to be a doctor, I still wanted to write. But no one believed in me and no one seemed to really care. Then for some random reason I decided to sign up for a girls basketball team. Probably because in the dream I knew that it was something I felt I wasn’t good at but was taking a chance at proving to others in some way I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to do. I find this interesting because in real life I used to play basketball as a little girl, and was pretty darn good at it for my age. Now if you got me out on a court I would epically suck.

Anyway, a basketball game was coming up and my team’s opponent was a boy’s team. Before the game I was in my hotel room and found a gift and a note on the dresser from an anonymous person. In capital letters the note said, “BELIEVE”. When I arrived at the gym many people sneered at me and said hurtful things like, “You’re going to make your team lose.” I didn’t say anything. All I remember now is that my team won and everyone cheered me for leading my team to victory.

At the end of the game after I had changed everyone lined up to sign my jeans. (Weird, I know. You think I’d be giving them MY signature.) When it was one guy’s turn to sign my jeans, he gave me a big smile. Instead if writing his name he wrote BELIEVE. I recognized the handwriting and then looked at him and asked if I could give him a hug. I never did learn his name, or how he found out about me, but I was happy that SOMEONE believed that I was worth more than what people were making me feel.

My dream might sound funny to you, but I woke up extremely happy and inspired. Maybe there’s a possibility that God gave me that dream Himself. Maybe it was God’s way of telling me, “Things will get better because you’re meant for more than this.” And not just for me, but for you too. We don’t know how life is actually going to work out for us, but there’s a chance that people might stereotype you because you come a single-parent home. Some might think that because you were raised only by your mother you won’t know how to be a real man or that you’ll make the same mistakes that I did but worse. People may pity you so much that they won’t expect much from you. And there may be other things you might face, mistakes you might make, that have no direct connection to your upbringing but will leave you feeling discouraged. I am here to remind you that your mistakes don’t define who you are. Anything is possible if you only but believe. YOU create your reality. And if you want something you can make it happen.

Oh, and I’m your biggest fan.

Love,

Mommy