Thanks to my readers for their support. Because of that support I have been encouraged to continue learning, growing, writing and sharing, and embracing my vulnerability. Hey, it can be scary when you say you’re going to do something (like publish your thoughts on the web through a blog without knowing the first thing about one) when at the time you feel limited. What will people say?  Will you make a fool of yourself? Or will you be one of the lucky ones to actually, eventually, “make it”?

Anyway, I’m done. Feel free to come back here for memory’s sake. But to find me, I’ll be at Paper Thoughts.

Toodles!

I know that calling you “optional” may sound really bad and gives off the wrong idea. Don’t think that I view you as a mere option. You’re more like potentials or candidates. Maybe I’m more of the option for you. Because, well, if you allow me to point out the obvious, I come with a little person. Side note, he compliments me well, you have to admit. Just makes me that much more alert and beautiful, don’t ya think? But for you guys, he might also make me inaccessible. And I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way.

I’m not a polygamist, so I’m not going to proceed to tell you what’s on my mind because I want both of you. Heck, I may not end up with either of you. I’m okay with that if that means at least you’ll be more open to the person who is meant to be with you. Not only because you never know if they might have a kid, but maybe they might have baggage that you think you can’t help them get rid of or carry right now, but life and God might have chosen to fulfill that role. What then? Are you still going to say no?

As great as being a parent is, it’s also a scary thing. I mean, being a parent means being responsible for another life. It also means heavily readjusting ones own, which many make one uncomfortable and anxious at just the thought of that. And that’s understandable I guess. You can’t really prepare for having kids the way you can before you marry someone. You just have the kid and boom, life changes. At least before you get married you have some time to get to know a person before you commit your life to them. You won’t get to know everything, and you won’t be 100% ready, but at least you have an idea of what life might look like.

Then again, that’s one advantage either of you might have. My son’s already here. As you get to know me, you’ll get to know and interact with him. The more you do so you’ll have a more accurate feeling on if this is for you.

But there’s another point that you’ve probably haven’t thought of. Sometimes people think that just because I’m a mother, and work, and go to school that I have no time to take on a relationship. Or they underestimate my ability to add one more ball to the ones I’m already juggling (get your head out of the gutter). I’d be the first to say that dating is hard work. And sometimes expensive (but marrying is even more expensive). Not that I’m not necessarily against expensive I guess (no, I’m not a gold digger), but you know what I mean. The point is, being in a relationship is great but it’s also sticky business. Trust me. I would know. As demanding as being mommy may be, it doesn’t mean I don’t can’t or don’t know how to be girlfriend too.

Of course, for me my son is number one. He’s the first person I have to answer to in my life. But I can share my life with others. For our sake I have to. This is where the beautiful word “balance” comes in. You’ll hear me say that my son is my everything, which is true, but even as my everything there are certain things he can’t do for me or voids he can’t fill because it’s not his place to. So why can’t I have someone be the extra companionship I crave?

I was telling one of you, my dear “options”, the other day that I’m not in a rush to get into a serious relationship. *See above.* But should the opportunity present itself I’ll take it. If I want it sometime anyway, why not? I just think that the excuse that I won’t have time for you is lame and dumb. If you want it and it’s meant to be, it will be. Though it may feel at times you’re having a relationship with one and half people, I do understand that a relationship would be between us for it to work. We’ll learn the art of balance and compromise from the get-go. How about that?

So which of you says yes to taking chances?

But then I come back to reality when I notice he’s pulling at my plugged in phone charger or is running his baby food covered hands through his hair. All I can do sometimes is simply sigh.

I am reminded that the day I became a mother I agreed to:

Be the launderer to wash out pea stained shirts.

Be the butt wiper when poop leaks out of his diaper right before we have to leave so I can drop him off at the baby sitter’s and I can go to work.

Be the doctor to figure out if he’s sick and what to do about it.

Be the nurse when his lips start bleeding because he lost his balance while standing in the crib and hit the crib railing.

Be the cook to make sure he eats healthy and balanced meals.

Be the entertainer to keep him, well, entertained.

Be a teacher so important words like “mama” would be in his vocabulary pretty early.

Be a provider of food and clothing and toys.

Be a comforter for when he gets hurt.

Be a disciplinary so he can learn obedience, even as a baby.

Be a playmate.

Be a storyteller.

Be a live musician.

Be a friend.

But most of all, the day I became a mother I agreed to love him.

I’ve gladly accepted my call of duties and am honored to hold the title as Adrian’s mother.

Of course I have my bigger goals or want-to-dos at the top of my priority list, but as for everything else, where can I fit it all? Or does it all fit? Should it all fit?

To make things even more uncomfortable in my crowded head, I’m in the midst of a crisis. It started about 3 weeks ago or so. For the longest it has been my one of my biggest desires to be a doctor. Pediatrician to be exact. I’ve even written about it on here, saying how someday I’m going to prove my critics wrong that I couldn’t (or shouldn’t) go through medical school and work and take care of a child when I wave at them my doctorate while wearing my doctor coat.

Becoming a doctor is something I’ve always wanted to do since I was 15. Getting my medical training is still one of my passions, something I am still interested in. But…recently I have revisited the idea. Not because I don’t feel like I can do it in the circumstances that I am in. I don’t just give up easily on things simply because they’re taking longer than it ideally should or it’s harder than I had imagined. It’s just that lately I’ve gotten in closer touch with who I am at the core. And simultaneously new opportunities are opening and I’m slowly walking through opened doors that have nothing to do with the career I have dreamed of getting into.

As much I as I love the thrill that studying medicine, anatomy, physiology, and biology gives me, it hit me that there’s this burst of energy I experience when I’m creating, networking, hosting, organizing. I love writing. I enjoying making beautiful things with my hands. It makes me happy to entertain people. And I believe I have the personality and the enthusiasm it takes to promote and market. All I need is a bit of training and exposure. As for the doors of opportunities opening for me, I am afraid that if I don’t walk through them I will miss out on chances of a lifetime or my true calling.

It’s hard to say whether it is only when I am working with anything health related or anything creative that I am at my peak moment. Because I have experienced those peaks in both fields. And that is where the confusion begins. Where do I draw the line?

I try to imagine what my success would like if there was no such thing as failure. It would be humongous. Why? Because every single thing I have ever said I wanted to do I would do. Big and small. While it’s exciting to think of it, it’s also a bit overwhelming. I mean, it’s a lot of stuff.

Today I received an email with advice from Michael Bungay Stanier, founder of Box of Crayons (and whose email prompted me to write this post): “Clarify your minimum level of success.This is the bottom line, the ‘if nothing else, then this at least.’ Don’t sell yourself short. And equally, make sure the ‘bottom line’ really is just that. This is where you draw the line in the sand.”

And clarifying my minimum level of success is where my problem is at. Like I said, I want to do it all. Both career options are fighting for election. Because let’s be real, this is life we are talking about. Not everything people want they get. That is why it is important to figure out what is the one thing you cannot live without, no matter what life says.

So I think it’s a good idea for me to just sit a while and think to get a clearer idea of at least one thing I absolutely must do. If you find yourself in the same predicament, I suggest you join me.

And while you’re at it, head on over to Box of Crayons for emails, newsletters, and videos to inspire you and get you moving.

Prompt: What is one thing you can do that would make today worthwhile? What’s stopping you from getting started right now?

My Answer: I am ashamed to admit that the first thing that came to my mind when I asked myself what would make today worthwhile was, “To get everything on my To-Do list done.” I’m a huge To-Do list person. Post-It notes and my planner…we are *crosses fingers* tight. It helps me remember what needs to get done and I love feeling accomplished as I check-off each item on my list. Most of my best days are productive ones. It’s an amazing feeling.

But then I stopped to think about the people in my life. My son, my mom, my grandparents, my best friends, God, and those I have had the privilege of meeting throughout my travels and volunteer work. They are, and always will be, the most important and number one in my book. They have made the most boring days exciting, brightened up the darkest moments, and warmed my damp cold spirits. Really, they are what make my journey through life, and any day, worthwhile.

I figure I’d continue with my confessions. I have a lot of them. In a way my confessions are a bit like dreams I have, and that I hope will someday come true.

Truth is, my heart has been stepped on, bruised and broken. Well, many hearts have. I’m sure yours has been too. Nothing hurts more when all you believed at one time to be true turned out to be a lie. Especially when the person who lied to you was one who knew better than most not to.

See, last year I was SURE my prince charming had come. Everything happened so miraculously almost, even a little magical. Something you’d read about in a novel or see in a movie. Every qualification I had looked for he had. He adored my son, he respected me, he was accepting of my family, our religious beliefs were similar, we shared the same ideals when it came to raising a family and in life in general. He was supportive of my goals and hobbies, and I was of his. The connection between us was strong, and we always had fun when we were together. It didn’t matter whether people were around us or not, PDA came naturally. We exchanged hearts, we made promises, and I know I planned on keeping them.

But the sad trend continues, and my fairy tale didn’t come true. Right when I thought we were getting comfortable, he got up and left. I jumped off the bridge expecting him to jump off with me, but he stayed back and watched me fall. I guess what made it worse is that for years I dreamed of being with him, and when it could’ve happened it didn’t.

For days everything seemed hazy.  Constantly I was asking, “Why?” Surely he was all I ever wanted. Just the day before it seemed we had talked about the grand possibilities the future held, and that we would work to make them happen – together. But sometimes what I want isn’t what I need or deserve. I’m learning that maybe true love isn’t something I fight to get or make last.

I’ll admit that there are days when I see or hear of him and I get jealous or I feel sick to my stomach. Then there days when he doesn’t phase me at all.

Why am I telling you all this? You probably don’t care about who the guys in my past are. You’re probably confident that you’d never hurt me the way the guys I’ve ended up with have. You may even be thinking, “They’re lucky I wasn’t around.” (I know because each one of my past lovers told me that.)

Well, I’m telling you because I’ve said many times in my heart to the last year guy, “Someday someone’s going to love me.”

Someday you’ll come into my life. Someday you’re going to love me. And I will always love you.

Prompt: Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

My answer: I’ve had several moments where I’ve felt full of life. It was definitely a strange and new feeling to me at the time.

Most of the time It was over simple things, like breaking away from the rules of legal religion and wearing pants or eating cheese.

Then there were times when I made bold moves, like the time I quit my job, packed everything I owned in my ’95 Honda Accord, moved out the house that my brother and his family and I were sharing in Oklahoma, and drove 13 hours by myself to Tennessee for school. I got myself there. I paid for the trip. I was on my own. Sure, things didn’t go as planned, and I’m kind of back at square one, but that moment of life, the control of it, the freedom – it was all something I had never known before. An experience I’ll never regret.

Not me. Sure, I have to put in some extra thought when traveling at home or abroad, and it’s extra tiring, but that shouldn’t take away from the adventure. If anything, it adds to it. In years to come my son and I will look back the memories made now, talk about the places we got to see, and we’ll be so thankful for the experiences.

My school is planning two study abroad expeditions next summer. One group will be going to Ireland, while another will tour London and Paris. The trips are about a month or so long. Prices are reasonable, and it covers airfare, lodging, food, tour guides, and transportation. The trips also count towards three humanities credits. Of course it has been my DREAM for the longest to go to London, so naturally I want to reserve a spot for that one.

I shared the idea with my good friend and travel enthusiast, Stephanie. (We’re planning to go to the 2014 World Cup games in Brazil together, by the way. CANNOT wait!) “The trip is open to the community as well, so I’m going to ask if I could bring Adrian,” I told her. I mean, why not? Not only would it be a long time away from him if he didn’t come, but he’d be a year and a half old by then. Shouldn’t be too difficult to do sight-seeing with a nearly two-year old. Especially since he has me as his mother. (Just saying.) I know we would have SO much fun and take tons and tons pictures which will go right in our family scrapbook.

When I told Stephanie about the trip she was excited for me and said she hopes I’ll be able to go and take Adrian. And that was it. No big deal. At least, I thought that was it. The next morning I read a direct message she sent me on Facebook. Here’s what it said:

“So my dearest Angie,

I felt the need to tell you how much I truly admire you. Hearing you talk about how you’re going  to ask if they accept kids in the school abroad trips, and just how you go about with life, it is SUCH an inspiration. Like TRULY. You don’t let the fact that you have Adrian be used as an excuse for “oh well guess I can’t live life anymore,” or some lame pity party. Instead you love him entirely and unconditionally and include him in every single plan as if it is all better with him for company. And I know it is! I’m just saying I know so many people who would just give up on dreams, say, “Oh well. I’m a single parent now” or “I’m married now”, or whatever excuse to give up on life. The fact that you not only haven’t, but that you embrace it even more, reminds me that we can always accomplish all that we want as long as we want it bad enough. I love you girl! I just want you to know I’m on that first row of bleachers cheering on for your success. Because I KNOW you will make it.”

Wow.

At first I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes I just talk, sharing what I want or plan to do without thinking much about how it may affect others. This is a perfect example of how are we are each a living message to the world. We may not know it, but we may be the encouragement someone needs. How we choose to deal with life’s adjustments, obstacles, or whatever, could be what it takes to remind someone of what’s really important and keep them on the track leading to their dreams. Sometimes people need to realize that change doesn’t mean dreams are lost. Just how, or with whom, you get there may not have been part of the original plan.

No doubt Steph’s message was an encouragement to me as well. Little did I know I would need it to get me through the rest of that day.

What message are you giving? Is it an encouraging one?

Prompt: If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?

My answer: I imagine someone simple, yet elegant, and with the sweetest smile. Her eyes show the sincerity and purity of her soul. Firmly, but gently, and possibly with an English accent, I can hear her say, “Focus. Be honest with yourself. Don’t be afraid to change courses. Speak less. Expand. Grow. Compete. You know what and how I mean it. Doing these things is the only way you’re going to get where you want to go and gain the recognition you seek. Now, go.”

Since the night I started feeling kind of weird I’ve gotten my act together. I’ve taken relatively good care of myself and I even drank Theraflu tea. I know it sometimes takes a little while for home remedies to kick in before you start feeling even the slightest relief, but this time I needed FAST relief. I cannot afford to be sick. Literally. Besides, this weekend’s episode is probably one of the worst I’ve had this year so far.

But there was no way I was heading out to the store. For one, I always look like an experiment gone wrong when I’m sick, and secondly, I had absolutely NO energy to load baby and myself in the car. So I decided to take a hot and cold shower. That would get my blood circulating and up my white blood cell count up in no time.

I put Adrian in his swing and hopped in the shower. The hot water felt, oh, so good. Immediately it relaxed my tense back shoulder muscles. I even started to breathe better. It felt so good that I almost forgot why I had jumped into the shower for the second time that day: hydrotherapy treatment. Reluctantly and with squinted eyes I reached for the water knob and turned it to the left for cold water. The second I felt the first drop of cold water on my skin I backed up from under the shower head. “Gosh, this is cold,” I thought to myself. Well, duh, it’s suppose to be. And you’re not going to get the benefit of a hot and cold shower if you don’t actually stand under the cold water. Come on. Suck it up.

I took a deep breath and got back under the cold water. I started to gently jump up and down while my arms were wrapped around my chest. Then I thought, “no. Let your arms loose. Raise them up. Soak up the freezing cold water. Accept it. Let it do its work, though it may not feel comfortable at the moment. But it’s the only way you’re going to get relief. It’s the only way the hot water will be able to do its work more effectively.“

Though it may seem so insignificant, at that moment I decided to have mind over matter. The only way I was going to experience the full benefits of that hydrotherapy treatment was if I didn’t let my fear of the unpleasantness of cold water being showered over my body get in the way. As I kept going back and forth between hot and cold water, eventually I even looked forward to the cold water. It felt so invigorating. I felt so much more alive.

We can compare my initial reaction to the cold water in my hydrotherapy treatment to situations in our lives that make us feel uncomfortable. We don’t necessarily avoid them but we don’t deal with them head-on either. We’re half-hearted in our approach. We hate the confrontation, but confronting the things that we fear the most is what makes us stronger.

Oftentimes not properly dealing with or getting through the “cold” stuff we miss out on the bigger and better lessons of life. I know that for me some of the fears I’m still having to overcome is rejection and failure. For a person that’s rather bold, it would seem like a contradiction, but those are really two of the biggest things I deal with and that cripple me at times from enjoying life’s hot stuff. Sometimes it manifests itself through simple things like not wanting to share my latest blog post on Facebook or Twitter because I’m afraid someone will think my writing is horrible. But if I were to drop my fears more often, and actually welcome the rejections and failures, I’d be stronger, wiser, and in the long run, happier.

The best of life isn’t what we could easily obtain or handle. The things that give us the greatest sense of purpose, pride, and joy – the hot water – are those that we had to go through unwanted and uncomfortable moments – the cold water – to get and keep.

So tell me. What “cold water” are you having to stand under?